God's works

In the past youth leader training, i had answer to the calling. Pastor asked if there is anyone of you feel tired to serve, raise up your hand to God.

I talked to myself, 'you have no rights to say that you are tired in serving since you just started to serve.' But somehow I raise up my hand. When the pastor asked those who had raised hand to go out, I was hesitate to go out. However, pastor had saw me raised up my hand, so I go out. I really feel awkward to face my brothers and sisters. Especially those who had serve for really long time and those who had done a lot. Cause for me I see that myself should be the last one to say that I am tired.

However, I am thankful for this had happened to me. Although I left quite fast after the service and had my mind all messed up for some time, I had finally understand God's grace and love to me. His had never failed me. I know it's God who bring me out in front of the alter. He wants me to face Him and be an obedient child of His.

This was what pastor prayed when he lied hand on me. 'You are very dried out inside. Serving is not about your abilities. You need have more desire to God. After today, your serving will no longer be the same.'

And yeah, some chemistry did happened inside my heart. I had been feeling that I am lost and I am just doing everything by myself. Yeah, all by myself. That's why I feel really hard to break through and I don't feel free and smooth inside. My spiritual life graph goes up and down and up and down. I realized that this should not be a life for someone who had been saved and who claimed that our God is had overcame the world.

Thanks God that he bring me out, He helps me realize how terrible my spiritual life is. After I understand His will, I learnt how to let go. Even I always say that, but I always feel incapable to do that. But now, i am learning to let go more and more. Because I know it should not be my effort to let go, but my decision to let God take charges.

God is amazing and creative. Nothing can limit Him, but when we fit Him in our limitation, we had said no to His guidance. Let Him guide us everyday. Let Him take care of everything. We will never know what's coming up next, we can never know God's amazing plan.

I know God will use me one day, but not until I obey Him and totally relied on Him.